Sunday, I went to a 3 hour workshop about female ejaculation. When asked by my good friend to attend, I believe my immediate response was “I could probably teach that class!” Ha. Wrong. We never stop learning – and I should know this by now.
We discussed anatomy, what ejaculate is made of, how to create safe emotional space so that everyone is comfortable, and then there was a live demonstration. I loved how interactive the whole workshop was: it certainly made me feel more comfortable asking questions, contributing to the discussion, and it was clear that a lot of effort had been put into creating a certain experience. Pro tip: If you’re ever running a workshop, the key is audience interaction.
Here’s what I learned about the mechanics:
1. There are 5 kinds of touch: therapeutic, nurturing, grounding, sensual, and sexual. In order for arousal and stimulation to occur, we need to experience all 5 using our various senses. This can come in the form of cuddling, nuzzling, touching, scents, lighting, music, massage, kissing, licking, and far more.
2. Female ejaculate is clear or milky. The amount and taste vary from person to person, though it is not particularly flavourful.
3. Ejaculate in both male and female genitalia comes from the urethra, or the pee pipeline. In females, it will often go retrograde into the bladder if not expelled, which is why pee is so clear or lighter yellow after sex.
4. The urethra goes straight through spongy erectile tissue known as the urethral sponge. The lower portion of this erectile tissue is known as the G spot and can be one of 3 different shapes: right angled triangle with the flat/bottom in the vagina, obtuse triangle with the pointy end pointing directly into the vagina, dumbbell (so there are 2 sweet spots). Below is the best photo I could find but I know there have to be others that are better.
5. SO COOL: If you put your tongue to the roof of your mouth and run it along the top to the back of your throat, you can feel what the urethral sponge feels like; it’s the same material, both the ridges and the smooth tissue, just not attached to bone. If you run your tongue along the inside of your cheeks, that’s what the inside of the vagina feels like.
6. When you need to pee, take a big breath in and out to allow the spongy erectile tissue to relax. This will ease the flow.
7. Female ejaculate is full of vitamins, minerals, water, sugars, and antibodies. It was often used in healing rituals in India, China and Japan. So, drink up! It’s healthy. I got the main photo from this site, which is a good resource for the ancient ritual of Amrita. Ejaculate is not synonymous with orgasm. Some women can do both at the same time; some women will ejaculate occasionally; some women are not able to have sex without ejaculating. Ejaculating is a different kind of release than an orgasm.
Here’s what I learned about how to help a woman learn to ejaculate:
1. For a female to ejaculate, she needs to be comfortable. This happens by creating safe space to be vulnerable. A lot of us have boundaries that we may not be aware of, so listen to us when we tell you what’s going on i.e. COMMUNICATE. What are some things that can get in the way of this? Shame, stress, fear, dehydration, lack of arousal.
2. Men and women have the same amount of erectile tissue within the body, it’s simply found in different places. Females: breasts, clitoris, inner labia, outer labia, anus, and urethral sponge.
3. Coconut oil and grapeseed oil make excellent natural lubricants and can be found at a health food store, or sometimes at the grocery store. It was recommended that we try grapeseed oil first. NB: oil and condoms do not mix. Please don’t use them together!
4. Stay hydrated. If this means chugging water during sex play, do it and encourage it. I always have a pitcher of water beside the bed and go through at least 2 glasses during sex.
The live demonstration was incredible; Huge thanks to Madeline for quite literally opening herself up to us. For me this was particularly wonderful because I don’t spend a whole lot of time up close and personal with vulvae. As we all know, it’s a little tricky to spend a tonne of time staring at our own, and if we’re not getting intimate with women it’s tough. Victoria, the woman facilitating the workshop, used various massage techniques, toys, coconut oil as lube, breathing techniques, and music for Madeline to feel comfortable and reach the point of ejaculating. Madeline said that she has only been ejaculating for a year; it was a very deliberate practice. So, this gives us all hope – it can be done!
I strongly recommend that everyone attend a workshop such as this. We can read all about it, but seeing it live creates a whole different understanding. It was great to see a few non-female identified folk in the group, too. Feel free to share any wisdom about female ejaculation in the comments!